When You Know Youre Not Needy
I once dated a guy I'll call Lewis* who was, initially, very excited about "the states" — disconcertingly so. I liked him a lot, just his over-the-peak enthusiasm (he insisted I was "perfect") gave me pause. Given how little nosotros knew about each other, it felt like as well much. I worried Lewis might be the kind of person whose feelings run hot and cold. But later a few weeks, I permit go and let myself fall for him. Unfortunately, the more attached I got, the less perfect he idea I was.
After two months, Lewis morphed from a perfect boyfriend to one who'd abruptly disappear from east-mail and texts for days, abolish plans, and behave coldly ... except when he was warm and affectionate — the manner he'd been in the beginning. And then I'd call up all was fine, that my worries were unfounded. Afterwards all, he explained his text absences afterward (a decease in the family unit that he'd been likewise upset to let me know near). And anybody needs space sometimes, right? Besides, we'd been dating only a few months.
I didn't desire to seem needy, not to myself or to Lewis. I certainly didn't think of myself as needy — I was an contained, career-minded immature woman living in New York City. But the truth was, I was afraid to call out Lewis on his beliefs and how it was making me feel, because the one time I had tried to get him to talk about our relationship, he'd gotten angry. He said he hated to talk about his feelings; I insisted one had to sometimes. We went to bed mad. I left early the next day to grab a plane, and he didn't speak to me the whole week I was away.
My friend Missy, whom I was visiting in Tucson, told me this was a dick move on Lewis'south function. Missy's fellow echoed this. "The guy sounds like bad news," he said. I agreed, ready to write Lewis off. Just as soon as I was headed domicile, Lewis chosen. He apologized. I caved. I decided the situation was less black-and-white than I'd thought. Maybe I had been too pushy, likewise girlie in my insistence on discussing things? After all, most men don't like human relationship talks.
Equally Lewis's behavior grew more cruel and manipulative, I made excuses for putting up with him. I thought if I just rode out this rocky menstruum, he'd "forgive" me and things would go dorsum to how they'd been. I'd tiptoe around him, timid where I once felt confident. I began to experience grateful for whatever time we spent together, because it was simply when he was next to me that I felt secure (and even then only sometimes).
I could meet I was acting like a different person from the ane he'd fallen for and, more important, from the person I thought I was. I'd become needy, insecure, and downright pathetic.
This phenomenon, in which an otherwise together adult female turns into a sad, alibi-making chump, is one my friend Vanessa calls "the downwardly spiral of shame." Ah, the irony: The worse y'all feel nigh it, the more dependent you become on the human relationship that's the source of your unhappiness. Yous become increasingly drastic to "save" information technology no matter what the cost to your self-respect. It doesn't affair how smart you are. We can all do it.
Vanessa went into her spiral of shame with a guy she says wasn't even a existent boyfriend. At present she wishes she'd walked abroad equally soon equally things began to deteriorate. Instead, she kept seeing him even though she knew he was dating other people. To this mean solar day, she regrets an e-postal service she sent him. "It was way besides long so hostage," she says. "I'thousand embarrassed because he didn't deserve such an honest letter." His response, which wasn't about as long — or as heartfelt — fabricated her experience exposed and powerless.
For my friend Christine, information technology was Tom, a guy she met online after a long flow of being single. Their kickoff three dates were "perfect." Then Tom went out of town for piece of work. He called her each night, and they talked for hours. When he returned, on a Friday, he brought her a gift, and they spent the weekend together. Information technology was magical, Christine thought. But on Sunday nighttime, while she was still in a love-struck haze, Tom called. He told her that he wasn't over his ex but insisted he didn't want to cease seeing Christine — he really liked her. He only wanted to permit her know the situation.
Christine had no idea how to reply. She had such a neat time with him, and because it had been a while since she liked someone so much, she didn't desire to lose him and get back to square ane. And at least Tom was upward front end, correct? She thought his honesty should count for something. On the other paw, nothing could have been better calculated to make Christine insecure than his strange confession.
Tom and Christine connected to see each other for more than than a month after that, but from that point on, it wasn't the same. They'd spend an evening together, and then Tom would insist he needed his space and disappear for a week. But what could Christine do? When she complained, he responded that he had warned her he had bug to work out. In hindsight, she should have bailed as presently as she got that unnerving phone call. Only instead, she began making excuses — classic downward screw of shame.
After my relationship with Lewis ended, I was more than upset at the person I'd become than I was virtually losing him. Every fourth dimension I thought of my own beliefs — how weak I'd been, how many excuses I'd made — I'd cringe. Information technology didn't feel like me, and nevertheless information technology was. At to the lowest degree, it had been.
Several years later, when I sat downwardly to write The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P., I wanted to write nigh the downwardly spiral of shame that my friends and I had experienced. Nosotros were all smart career women with plenty of interests besides dating. None of united states of america were the kind of woman who "needed" a guy in her life at all moments. And yet, we'd all plant ourselves tolerating beliefs nosotros shouldn't accept, in spite of the price it took on our self-respect.
The not-peculiarly-likable protagonist of my novel is 30-twelvemonth-old Nate. He isn't a totally bad guy — he's smart, funny, and a adept friend — simply he has serious commitment problems and tin be toxic for the women he dates. In the book, Nate begins to appointment a woman named Hannah, who is cool and fun and challenges him in argument. But every bit Hannah starts to permit down her guard and become more comfy in the human relationship, Nate grows restless and begins to pull away. Because he wants to avoid uncomfortable conversations, he refuses to acknowledge what is happening. Simply he doesn't intermission upward with her either. He still likes her, even if he has grown more conflicted than he used to be.
Nate's inconsistent behavior triggers in Hannah the same aching response Lewis's beliefs brought out in me. She shrinks into herself, afraid to mutter. One night, eased by bourbon, she says to Nate, "If someone told me a month ago what things would be like between usa, I would have said, No, I'd never represent that. But I keep negotiating downwardly what I recall is okay. I like you — my problem is that I exercise like you."
Since the book was published last July, I've heard from many women who say they've dated guys just like Nate, whose mixed signals collection them crazy. These guys behaved in means that were hurtful, but they never quite crossed the line so that you lot had to interruption up with them. Like Lewis, they tended to repent afterward they'd ruined your holiday only earlier yous could say they were totally irredeemable. Or they were like Tom, whose behavior could be seen as either selfish or honest. Or every bit the fictional Nate does when Hannah finally tells him how she feels, they beg for another adventure and promise to do improve. These guys were just jerkish enough to brand usa unhappy simply but dainty enough to requite the states qualms near breaking off things.
Only many of the women I heard from had a hard time sympathizing with Hannah. "She becomes so weak," a journalist named Andrea said. "She reminds me of parts of myself that I hate." An outspoken 23-year-onetime named Rachel came to a reading to enquire me why Hannah didn't kick Nate to the curb. "I institute her very hard to similar," she said. "I never desire to be similar her."
I get that. When I acted virtually similar Hannah, I found it hard to like myself. It's painful to spotter Hannah, who starts off and so feisty and strong, become and then willing to take Nate'southward shit. It'south natural to want her to stick it to Nate. Merely I didn't want to make her the adult female I wish I'd been. I wanted to examine the effect Nate's behavior has on her. If information technology were likewise like shooting fish in a barrel for her to walk abroad, his beliefs wouldn't seem about equally hurtful as I think it actually is. If Hannah never lost her absurd, Nate would have been let off the hook.
So in that location'due south this: Maybe it isn't so terrible to have been a Hannah at one point. If I'd done information technology and all these other women I heard from had done it, then perchance we should finish feeling so ashamed of the fact that at some point we'd liked a guy and then much that we gave him the benefit of the doubtfulness for too long. Ultimately, nosotros all picked ourselves upwardly, dusted ourselves off, and learned from our mistakes. I idea if we could forgive the fictional Hannah her mistakes, maybe we could besides forgive ourselves.
Interestingly, it'southward men who are most sympathetic toward Hannah. I've gotten hundreds of messages from guys, almost all of whom sheepishly tell me they recognize their worst behavior in Nate. And yet, they invariably experience for Hannah. "She was clearly responding to Nate's passive-aggression," said 20something Matt. These men take for granted that Hannah is just fine — her only problem is dating Nate. It'southward Nate they see as having the emotional problems that get in hard for him to exist in a happy relationship.
That squares with my own feel. Not long subsequently Lewis and I split up, I met my husband. From the start, I could feel the departure. I didn't have to worry most becoming the person I'd been with Lewis because I was with a guy who made me feel secure rather than crazy, needy, or on edge. My husband may not love having human relationship talks — who does? — just he wouldn't become angry at me for bringing something upwards. He wants us to piece of work and is willing to brand the effort.
Even now, a part of me will always wish I could excise the Lewis experience from my memory. Simply and then I remember that when I — or whatsoever of us — am tempted to beat myself upwardly, it's worth keeping in mind that the only affair worse than being also vulnerable is never being vulnerable at all.
*Names accept been inverse.
Waldman's novel is out in paperback this month.
This commodity was originally published as "You're Not Needy (You're Simply With the Wrong Guy)" in the June 2014 issue of Cosmopolitan. Click here to get the result in the iTunes store! Order a copy of The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. here.
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